Leading with Empathy: Staying Human Without Burning Out

Leading with Empathy Without Losing Ourselves

Lately, we’ve been reflecting on what it really means to be an empathetic leader. Many of us have felt the invisible weight that comes with being the person everyone turns to when things feel heavy at work. Empathy is beautiful—when someone trusts you enough to open up, it means you’ve built a foundation of respect and safety. But we’ve also learned that empathy, unchecked, can feel like a tidal wave.

We’ve caught ourselves walking away from one-on-ones completely drained—not because we don’t care, but because we’ve absorbed more than we had the capacity to carry. One reader recently put it into words so perfectly: “I love being there for my team, but sometimes it feels like every conversation becomes about everything wrong at work.”

That line hit us hard because we’ve been there too. Empathy can easily slip into emotional overextension, where suddenly, you’re no longer leading—you’re counseling. And while being human and approachable is a strength, being someone’s unofficial therapist can create boundaries that blur in ways that hurt both sides.

This newsletter is our attempt to share what we’ve learned about being present, listening deeply, and supporting our teams without drowning in their frustrations.

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Where Empathy Meets Boundaries

We often forget that listening doesn’t mean absorbing. When someone comes to us upset, our instinct is to open the floodgates: “Tell me everything.” But the truth is—when every frustration gets full airtime, those conversations can start circling negativity rather than progress.

We’ve found that the healthiest thing we can do is to set boundaries—not cold, rigid walls, but gentle guardrails. Here’s something we remind ourselves often:

We’re managers, not therapists.

It sounds obvious, but it’s surprisingly easy to forget. Therapists can hold someone’s pain without judgment because their role is singular: to help the other person process. Our role is different—we have to evaluate performance, coach for growth, and hold accountability. When we let someone vent unfiltered for too long, it changes the lens through which we see their work. That’s not fair to them, and it’s not fair to us either.

Instead, what has helped is reframing the conversation. We still start with listening, but we gently steer toward, “Okay, what’s in our control here? What can we do to make this better?” It’s not shutting them down—it’s helping them shift from rumination to problem-solving.

Tip we’ve tried: Next time someone spirals into frustrations, pause and validate their feelings. Then add a bridge question like: “What do you think would help you feel more grounded in this situation?” That way, the venting becomes a stepping stone instead of a cul-de-sac.

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The Balance Between Listening and Action

One of our own mistakes (that we still catch ourselves making) is jumping too fast into solution mode. It feels efficient, right? Someone brings up a problem, and we’re like, “Perfect, let’s fix it!” But too often, it lands as dismissive, like we weren’t really listening—we were just waiting for our turn to talk.

We’ve started practicing what we call the “one extra line” rule: when a team member finishes explaining something frustrating, we restate it back in our own words before pivoting to solutions. Just one more line of acknowledgment changes the entire tone.

For example, instead of:
“Yeah, I agree this isn’t ideal. What can we do differently?”

We’ll try:
“I knew this was tough, but I didn’t realize it was eating up this much of your bandwidth each week. I can see why that’s frustrating. What do you think we could do to make this better?”

That extra moment creates space for the person to feel seen—not just managed.

Tip we’d offer: If you ever feel pressure to respond quickly, slow down. Let silence sit for a beat. Then repeat what you’ve heard in your own words before moving forward. It’s amazing how much more trust that builds.

Gentle Pushback is Still Empathy

Here’s something we don’t talk about enough: empathy doesn’t mean agreeing with everything. Sometimes real support looks like gently challenging someone’s perception.

We remember one manager telling us during peak season at a retail company: “Yes, it’s hectic, but this happens every year—and every year, we get through it.” That perspective re-centered us. What felt like chaos suddenly became just a cycle. Stressful, yes, but temporary.

We try to channel that approach when our teams catastrophize. For instance, if someone says, “This new process ruins everything,” we’ll acknowledge their frustration, then add perspective: “It’s definitely a change, but in some ways, it’s not all that different from what we did before. It’ll take adjustment, but we’ll find our rhythm.”

By reframing, we’re not dismissing—we’re reminding them of scale. Not every storm is a hurricane. Sometimes it’s just heavy rain that passes.

Tip we use often: Frame change as “time-bound.” Instead of, “This is how it is now,” try, “This feels rough today, but in a few weeks we’ll adapt, just like we’ve done before.” It helps people right-size their reactions.

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Our Closing Reflection

Being an empathetic leader is not about having all the answers or absorbing every frustration—it’s about creating a safe space where people feel heard, while also guiding them toward solutions and perspective.

We’ve realized that too much validation without direction can keep people stuck, and too much problem-solving without acknowledgment can make them feel invisible. The sweet spot is somewhere in the middle: listen deeply, validate sincerely, and then gently lead the conversation toward action.

And perhaps the biggest reminder for ourselves is this: empathy doesn’t mean carrying everything on our shoulders. It means walking alongside our team, not dragging their baggage with us.

If you’ve ever felt drained by emotional labor as a manager, know this—you’re not failing at empathy. You’re simply learning where your boundaries live. And every time you set them with care, you’re actually giving your team a gift: a leader who is present, supportive, and sustainable.

Let’s keep leading with both heart and backbone. Our teams don’t need us to be therapists—they need us to be human leaders who can hold space and move forward.

What’s your next spark? A new platform engineering skill? A bold pitch? A team ready to rise? Share your ideas or challenges at Tiny Big Spark. Let’s build your pyramid—together.

That’s it!

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