Leadership Lessons from the Trenches: Thriving as an Engineering Manager

Reflections from the Frontline: Navigating Leadership and Life

I’ve always believed that leadership is as much about self-discovery as it is about guiding others. This newsletter is a personal reflection on the lessons I’ve gathered from the trenches of engineering management, the evolving world of technology, and the quiet moments of growth that shape who we are. Each section below is a piece of my heart and mind, shared not as a prescription but as a conversation—a way to connect with you through the experiences I’ve witnessed and the insights they’ve sparked. I hope you find something here that resonates, challenges, or inspires you.

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Mastering the Art of Self-Management as an Engineering Manager

When I first stepped into the role of an engineering manager, I thought success hinged solely on how well I could steer my team. But I quickly learned that the real challenge starts with managing myself. The transition from engineer to leader is a whirlwind—suddenly, you’re juggling people’s expectations, endless tasks, and the pressure to keep everything on track. It’s like trying to conduct an orchestra while learning the score in real-time.

One of the most humbling realizations was that I couldn’t do it all alone. Early on, I fell into the trap of the “Atlas complex,” thinking the weight of the world rested on my shoulders. Spoiler: it doesn’t. A great team is your backbone, and leaning on them isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s the essence of leadership. I’ve found that carving out time for self-care, like a quick walk or a moment to breathe, isn’t selfish; it’s essential. It’s what keeps you sharp for the marathon of management, not just the sprint of a single day.

Tip: Start your day by setting three achievable goals. It’s tempting to tackle everything, but focusing on what truly moves the needle keeps overwhelm at bay. Tools like a simple calendar or a task manager like Things can be your lifeline—use them to map your day and protect your energy.

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Taming the Stress Beast

Stress is the uninvited guest in any leadership role, and as an engineering manager, it can feel like a constant companion. I’ve seen managers buckle under the barrage of emails, urgent requests, and context-switching that defines the job. But here’s what I’ve learned: fighting stress only makes it worse. Instead, I’ve come to see it as a signal—a nudge to pause and recalibrate.

One moment that stands out is when a colleague, overwhelmed by a looming deadline, stepped away for a 10-minute walk. When they returned, they tackled the problem with a clarity that surprised even themselves. That’s when I realized the power of small breaks—whether it’s a deep breath, a chat about something unrelated to work, or even a glass of water. These moments don’t just diffuse stress; they reframe it as something you can manage.

Tip: Identify your stress triggers and have a go-to reset ritual. For me, it’s a five-minute mindfulness exercise. Also, communicate changes early—if you need to reschedule or delegate, say so upfront. It’s far less stressful than dodging expectations.

Keeping Your Cool in the Heat of the Moment

I’ll never forget the story of a manager who, in a heated meeting, let frustration get the better of them. The outburst didn’t just derail the discussion; it eroded trust within the team. It was a stark reminder that as leaders, our emotions set the tone. Losing control isn’t just a personal slip—it can ripple through your team’s morale and culture.

What’s helped me stay grounded is a simple mantra: think before you speak. When tensions rise, I’ve learned to step back, even if it’s just mentally, and ask myself what’s driving my reaction. Sometimes, it’s as simple as suggesting we continue a discussion asynchronously to let everyone cool off. Emotional intelligence isn’t just about understanding others—it’s about knowing your own triggers and choosing how to respond.

Tip: If you feel your emotions spiking, take a beat. Excuse yourself for a moment or shift the conversation to email. It’s not about avoiding conflict but giving yourself space to respond thoughtfully.

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The Power of Saying No (Gracefully)

Setting boundaries as a manager feels like walking a tightrope. I’ve seen new EMs struggle with the fear that saying “no” will make them seem unhelpful or incapable. But here’s the truth I’ve come to embrace: boundaries aren’t barriers—they’re bridges to sustainable success. Without them, you risk burning out or letting your team down by overpromising.

I once knew a manager who agreed to every request, from extra projects to last-minute meetings. Their enthusiasm was admirable, but their workload became a house of cards. Learning to say “no” strategically—whether it’s declining a non-essential meeting or delegating a task—frees you to focus on what truly matters. It’s not about being rigid; it’s about being intentional with your time and energy.

Tip: Practice saying “no” with clarity and kindness. For example, “I’d love to help, but my plate’s full—can we prioritize or delegate this?” Also, set clear communication boundaries, like reserving certain hours for focused work, and stick to them.

Embracing the Dance of Flexibility and Prioritization

The engineering manager’s world is a kaleidoscope of change—priorities shift, deadlines morph, and surprises lurk around every corner. I’ve watched seasoned managers thrive not because they had all the answers but because they learned to dance with uncertainty. Flexibility isn’t about bending over backward; it’s about focusing on outcomes over rigid plans.

One lesson that hit home was watching a team pivot when a critical project took an unexpected turn. Instead of clinging to the original plan, the manager rallied the team around the new goal, leveraging everyone’s strengths. It was a masterclass in letting go of “how it’s supposed to be” and focusing on “what gets us there.” Pair that with ruthless prioritization—grouping small tasks, tackling high-impact items first—and you’ve got a recipe for staying sane in the chaos.

Tip: Start each day with a 30-minute prioritization session. Use a tool like Notion to categorize tasks into “now,” “soon,” and “someday.” And when plans change, focus on the end goal, not the path you originally mapped out.

Closing Note

As I reflect on these lessons, I’m reminded that leadership is a journey of growth, not a destination. Whether it’s managing your energy, taming stress, or dancing with change, the heart of it all is staying true to yourself while lifting others up. I hope these thoughts spark something in you—maybe a new perspective or a small tweak to your approach.

What’s your next spark? A new platform engineering skill? A bold pitch? A team ready to rise? Share your ideas or challenges at Tiny Big Spark. Let’s build your pyramid—together.

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