Just People: Rethinking Conflict, Cruelty, and Growth at Work

Just People, After All

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how easily we build walls between “us” and “them.” It happens at work, in school, and even in our daily lives. We think someone else is clueless, lazy, or wrong, and before long, we’ve painted them as the villain of the story. But sometimes, all it takes is one unexpected moment to realize we’re not so different after all.

Take the story of a small startup in the early 2000s. The engineers were bright, creative, and deeply connected to their product. But after Autodesk acquired their company and merged them with another, roles shifted: the engineers became “the doers,” while the new group took over as management. The divide was immediate. The engineers believed management didn’t understand the product or the customers, and every meeting felt like a waste. So, quietly, they built their own “better” version of the product—hoping to outshine their supposed rivals.

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Then came the surprise: a mandatory meeting. Instead of recognition or vindication, the entire department was laid off. Both sides—developers and managers—gone in one sweep. Suddenly, the petty battles evaporated. No more “us versus them.” Just people, sitting together in the same room, stunned by a shared loss.

That story stuck with me because it shows how fragile our judgments can be. The resentment that felt so justified one moment vanished the next. It made me ask myself: how often do we blame others without realizing we might also be part of the problem?

When Conflict Feels Personal

This tension isn’t unique to corporate life. I see it in classrooms, too, especially during group projects. It’s almost predictable: one student complains that their partner isn’t doing enough, while the partner insists they’re being excluded. Both feel wronged. Rarely do they sit down and have a real conversation. Misunderstandings snowball because neither side wants to confront the discomfort of saying, “Maybe I misunderstood you.”

But not every clash is a simple misunderstanding. Sometimes, hostility is very real. One story from Amazon is a sharp reminder of that. Two interns, who were supposed to be writing code, ended up stuck on a team where they weren’t given any meaningful work. Afraid of their managers, they stayed silent until near the end of their internship. When someone outside their group tried to help them, a senior leader didn’t respond with gratitude—instead, he left a voicemail threatening physical violence.

What’s even more telling is the reaction of leadership. Instead of outrage, there were excuses: “He’s passionate.” “He’s irreplaceable.” “He’s rough around the edges, but he gets results.”

This reveals a troubling reality: in many workplaces, toxic behavior isn’t just tolerated—it’s normalized. When organizations value “results at any cost,” they quietly teach everyone else that cruelty is acceptable if you’re talented enough.

👉 Tip here: If you ever hear phrases like “that’s just how they are” used to excuse someone’s behavior, pause and consider what it signals about the culture.

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The Myth of the “Successful Jerk”

I’ve also noticed how easy it is to glorify bad behavior when it comes packaged with power. At Amazon, an experienced project manager once confided that in the company’s early years, leaders could rise without being abrasive. But as the company grew, “sharp elbows” became part of the job description. If you weren’t tough—even harsh—you risked being overlooked.

There’s an allure to this kind of storytelling. Hearing “war stories” of executives battling it out behind closed doors feels like being handed the keys to some hidden truth. You feel like you’re learning the “real rules” of leadership—that success means toughening up, even if it means stepping on others.

But here’s the catch: adopting that mindset slowly changes you. You start to believe being unkind is a necessity rather than a choice. And over time, it corrodes not only relationships but also trust within teams.

The truth is, cruelty isn’t strength. Emotional control, empathy, and honesty are far harder to practice. But because the loudest examples we see are often the brash and aggressive leaders, we trick ourselves into thinking harshness is a mark of competence.

When Burnout Takes Over

Another cautionary story comes from Snap. A data team leader, after years of experience and personal growth, thought he’d left behind the immaturity of corporate politics. But when his team was constantly under attack by internal critics who bypassed them and went directly to the CEO, frustration built. His team was drained from defending their work rather than creating.

One evening, exhausted and raw, he finally broke. He hit “reply all” to a long email chain and fired back: “I’ve had enough of the peanut gallery.” In that one moment, he undid years of carefully built reputation. The worst part? The CEO was on the thread. The fallout was immediate, and though he apologized, the sting of that slip-up lingered.

This story highlights something crucial: growth is not a straight line. We like to imagine we’re always improving, that each mistake is simply a stepping stone to perfection. But in reality, growth loops back on itself. Old habits resurface when we’re tired or stressed. Progress is more like waves than a ladder.

👉 Tip here: Before reacting in anger—especially in writing—pause. Draft the message if you must, but step away before hitting “send.” A night’s sleep can make the difference between a thoughtful response and a reputation-damaging outburst.

Lessons in Reflection

So, what do we do with all these stories? For me, they point to a few truths worth holding onto:

• Emotional control is not weakness. It’s tempting to see outbursts as signs of passion or strength, but they often leave lasting scars.

• Our systems reward lopsided talent. If someone is brilliant in one area, we sometimes ignore the damage they cause elsewhere. That creates the illusion that cruelty and competence go hand in hand.

• Reflection is not self-blame. It’s about humility—asking not only what others did wrong, but how we might have contributed to the dynamic.

That’s why I believe in giving people the chance to practice conflict resolution in smaller, safer spaces—like group projects in school. Yes, students hate them. But those clashes are opportunities to learn how to navigate real-life human problems in a less risky setting.

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At the end of the day, the common thread across all these experiences is simple: we are just people. Flawed, biased, quick to see ourselves as the hero, and equally quick to cast others as the villain. But when the walls come down—when the layoffs happen, or the email is sent, or the threat is made—we’re reminded of our shared humanity.

Growing means questioning ourselves while still trusting ourselves. It means refusing to glorify cruelty. And it means never forgetting that, no matter the titles or the tension, we’re all just people in a room together.

What’s your next spark? A new platform engineering skill? A bold pitch? A team ready to rise? Share your ideas or challenges at Tiny Big Spark. Let’s build your pyramid—together.

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